I'm Disappointed with Myself

Here I am,; thinking about trading options on precious metals.
I should know better; I always end up losing. I've tried similar things a dozen or more time and I always end up poorer than when I started.
Maybe there is something self-destructive about me. I had a lousy childhood. I was raised in a violent and drunken home. My father was an alcoholic and we were very poor, as well.
I'm always trying to prove my worth by getting ahead financially. It's just a response to my early childhood.
When I do start winning I find a way to lose it all. I think that is because of my low self-image. I simply don't feel that I deserve wealth, and an easy life.
One thing that I notice about myself is that I'm influenced by the last You Tube video that I've watched.
Yesterday, I was watching Harry Dent tell everyone why the metals will collapse in the near future.
Today, I watched someone say that the CME is getting ready for a major move to the upside in gold and silver.
I think the preponderance of opinion is for a move down and later a major move up.
Unfortunately that is what the majority of people think. Since most people are already betting that way, there may not be much money to be made. It's kind of like a horse race where the odds are set by the betting before the race. Even if you are right there isn't much money to be made by betting the same as everyone else is betting.
Long shots make a lot more money but they are unlikely to come through.
Maybe I'll continue with my original plan since that includes a short-term negative bet on gold; along with a short-term positive bet on silver.
The gold bet seems more likely to win; but the silver bet would really make a lot of money if Harvey Organ turns out to be right and we run out of silver in the next few months.
Of course the most likely circumstance is that neither gold or silver will move much and I'll be out $500. Option traders are always hoping for a big move to justify the risks involved in trading.
I should probably forget all about metals. I've already got a sizable stash of silver and a little gold as well. I should be grateful that I've put aside more metals for the financial collapse. In that regard, I'm probably ahead of 90% of the people in Decorah. I should be setting aside food and getting my motor home ready for the move to California. That might come earlier than I thought.
We haven't had any news about the Ebola outbreak, lately. If I start reading things about that, closer to home, I might have to bug out sooner that I expected.
At least the motor home is closer to being ready for bugging out. I had the vent worked on, today. The next thing is getting the refrigerator running. I'll see about getting gas in it, tomorrow.
I'll see if the rest of it works, tomorrow as well.
Later